Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
#milo
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Would you wear it?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?