Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
cat vs inanimate object
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*