Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Match dot com, but for socks.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
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A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes