Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
You Might Also Like
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value