Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
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*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not