Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…