Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
You Might Also Like
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another