Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.