Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
ATMs should have breathalyzers
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
This is what makes twitter great
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
The news
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
