Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy