Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The A string on my guit_r is flat
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out