Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.