Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Bootstraps

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder