Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

I beg you to euthanise me

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog