Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
That’s incredible! 👌
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
That was easy.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*