Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”