Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices