Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Lmao
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”