Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

i now pronounce you bounced.

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING