STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
The first matador
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)