Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.