Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Love this guy
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt