Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS