Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer