Stop it! 😂
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I think we should hear other voices.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover