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why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I havenât graded it yet. Itâs great.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs ÂŁ2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs ÂŁ2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs ÂŁ2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to âconstantly slam dunk on them and their loved onesâ they stop replying to texts
When youâre single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentineâs Day.
My brain: Hahahaha⌠Sorry, I donât remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I canât tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hearâŚ
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Sheâs right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your âtoysâ BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it âstinks like a raccoonâ
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I donât know if this one is mine
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you wonât be able to tell the difference between people & food
âAre you nuts?â
Dear God
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case youâre wondering itâs 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my motherâs wallpaperâŚsomething where I donât have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
*holds âbunny earsâ over someoneâs head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*Wakes up in Supermanâs body*
Me: Holy crap! Iâm finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last nightâs pizza & puts on Netflix*
at library
ME: This book wasnât helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? Whatâs the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] âWhy? Whatâs the problem?â
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
my friend said she wonât hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as âthiccâ
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! Itâs not beer itâs whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.