Stop it! 馃槀
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I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what鈥檚 wrong with their lives when I鈥檒l do it for free.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it鈥檚 one of the most nurturing relationships I鈥檝e ever had.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
It鈥檚 Friday the 13th and there鈥檚 a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he鈥檚 also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Husband: Wouldn鈥檛 it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
You didn鈥檛 want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I鈥檓 the first in line.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you鈥檙e told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I鈥檓 adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What鈥檚 its name?
Me: Spork
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Always let those you hate have the lion鈥檚 share.
Then tell the lion.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool