Stop it! 😂
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
happy friday
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do