Stop it! 😂
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.