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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Can. I. Help. You.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.