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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help