Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

🖤✌🏽

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)