“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways