stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*