stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not