stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The devil.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.