stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave