Stop it! 😂
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Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future