Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Waiting for the Charmin

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Favourite diary entry ever

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant