Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

man: wait

time: no

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”