Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
just left a huge legacy in there
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁