Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
❤️🦆
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Good Morning.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
As per my last nervous breakdown
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job