Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
So sorry
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers