Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.