Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
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My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Not with that attitude
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
#IWishIHadNever noticed
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
i choose….tongue
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film