Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
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Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”