STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
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hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Imma just leave this here…………
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Mhm.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.