Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
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Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m about to risk it all
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?