Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

🤣😂🤣

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

My current situation

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.