“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.