Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

japanese corn

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.