Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.