[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
