Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
found my next D&D character name
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”