Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.