Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.