Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.