Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
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The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Bed should get ready for ME
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes