“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter