Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.