Stop making fast and furious movies.
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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls