STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
☠️ ☠️
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.