STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection