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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired


I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.


He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.


[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!


[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!



Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.


(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay


I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”


if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming