STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.