STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.