Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people