Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.