Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.