Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
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Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.