Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
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[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
If only
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.