Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
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i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
So the ex texted me
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Well, this certainly took a turn
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
#math