Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
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Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣