Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Lmao

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.