Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.