Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁