Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
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As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening