Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
You Might Also Like
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously