“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Help Wanted
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My time has come.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Why soy sad?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.