Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

what’s in a name?

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.