“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
my nickname in college
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago