“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Grandmother clock.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.